Reflections on Letting Go

I've had to let go a lot lately.

On August 10th, I had to let go of my baby and let her grow up to be a kindergartner. In a blink, she went from being my tiny little girl to a beautiful little lady. Her new backpack made it even worse. It's a junior backpack so it fits her just right. She looks so big with it on. If it hung down and knocked against her legs as she walked, I could pretend in my mind that she was too young to be in school but it doesn't and I can't so I had to let go. I love you sweet girl.

I had to let go of my hold on what I think my classroom should be. It's too much this year. There are too many students and not enough time. I'm having to go through lists and mark who I think shouldn't be in there. Do you know how hard that is for me? They're mine. Many of you have been with me. You understand. When you come in my room, you're mine. Giving up students feels like betrayal. I felt so depressed today that it was all I could do to keep going. Thank goodness for chocolate. I wanted to keep them all but I couldn't so I'm letting go but I miss them already.

Fourteen years ago this month, I started college. I remember moving my things into my room. I remember meeting my roommates for the first time. I remember feeling so lost and alone. I was letting go of who I had been and starting on the journey to become who I am. I sometimes wish that I'd enjoyed that journey more. I wish that I hadn't held on so tightly to the past. I wish I'd embraced the change that was swirling around me. I wish I'd enjoyed the ride just a little bit more. I wish that my loved ones had been happier for me, but I remember the feeling of knowing how proud they were of me. I'm proud of you, Jeffrey but I'll miss you. You're the son I might never have. Enjoy the ride you've just started but don't feel guilty if the past begins to slip away. It will happen to a greater or lesser degree. Embrace your new life. Don't regret the things beyond your control. Just let go.

Time passes. Things change. Life moves on. I need to let go. Resistance only makes it hurt more and I hurt enough as it is.