"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
- Gandhi
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Am I a bad mother if...
...my kindergartner hides under the table just so she can take a nap?
We live in a cruel society now that doesn't allow 5 year old children to rest during a 7 1/2 hour school day. A is not adjusting well to no naps. It's a challenge I wish we weren't facing.
We live in a cruel society now that doesn't allow 5 year old children to rest during a 7 1/2 hour school day. A is not adjusting well to no naps. It's a challenge I wish we weren't facing.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
And so it begins...
Boxes still to be packed: more than I care to think about
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
How do I pack up my house? One box at a time.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Hmm...
I've been busy. I also think I might be crazy. Two mortgages? What are we thinking? I guess we're thinking that it will be nice to not be commuters anymore. I guess that we're thinking our children will enjoy a fifteen minute drive home instead of fifty. I guess we're thinking that some sacrifice is worth it to get rid of a few burdens. I guess we're just flowing with it knowing that it feels like the right thing to do. It's hard though.
The thought of packing is starting the give me bad dreams at night. The worst part is the reality of it. During the summer, packing was completely hypothetical. If I didn't do it (and I didn't by the way), it didn't matter. Now, there's a date and that means I'm in trouble. Our loan officer is aiming for September 30. What!!!! I'm a fierce pack rat with an emotional bond to my stuff. I have a lot of it. What am I going to do? I'm in so much trouble! I can't even begin to adequately describe the daunting nature of the task that lies before me. As always, when confronted by a task such as this, I freeze. I don't even know how to get started. If I had the entire month of September, I might be able to pull it off without stress, but I don't have to whole month because I have a life that includes a 90 mile commute, three children with activities, a husband, and no food from restaurants because we're trying to save money. What am I going to do? HHHHEEEEELLLLPPPPPPPP!
The thought of packing is starting the give me bad dreams at night. The worst part is the reality of it. During the summer, packing was completely hypothetical. If I didn't do it (and I didn't by the way), it didn't matter. Now, there's a date and that means I'm in trouble. Our loan officer is aiming for September 30. What!!!! I'm a fierce pack rat with an emotional bond to my stuff. I have a lot of it. What am I going to do? I'm in so much trouble! I can't even begin to adequately describe the daunting nature of the task that lies before me. As always, when confronted by a task such as this, I freeze. I don't even know how to get started. If I had the entire month of September, I might be able to pull it off without stress, but I don't have to whole month because I have a life that includes a 90 mile commute, three children with activities, a husband, and no food from restaurants because we're trying to save money. What am I going to do? HHHHEEEEELLLLPPPPPPPP!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Finally...I hope
We verbally accepted a counteroffer on a house in Dalton yesterday. I started to feel a little excited late last night when I was searching the Internet for rugs. Somehow, that's become a priority. The house needs the floors cleaned and new paint on the walls, but otherwise, it's in move-in condition. The floors are hardwood or laminate throughout and A is hung up on the hard floors and how she'll get hurt if she falls out of bed and how much she loves carpet. That's why we need a rug. Several would be nice but money will be tight when we start paying two mortgages so the only rug that has to be bought is one for A and L's room.
I'm giving up a few things that I love having at this house like a mantle (where will I put our Christmas stockings!?!) and a separate dining room, but I'm trading it for enough space for my family to live, places to put all our things, and a drive to work that's 10 minutes instead of 50. I'm also getting a craft room. The basement has several finished rooms that could be bedrooms but we'd rather everyone sleep together upstairs so we'll sleep in three bedrooms just like we do here and use the extra rooms downstairs for things we've only dreamed about here. There's a large room that will be the "family" room but mostly, it will be the play room. There's a separate room with a closet that will be the office to hide the messy filing cabinet/bookcase, desk, computer and laundry hanger, I mean treadmill. In the bedroom off the hall, I'll have my craft room. I'd never really thought about the fact that I could have a separate room all my own until my husband offered this morning to build shelves in the closet for all my supplies. That's when it hit me. This house will be ours. I've been hoping in my heart for almost a month but I was too afraid to actually plan what each room might be. This is the fourth house that we thought might be right but it's the first one that's truly felt right.
As my husband and I lay in bed talking this morning, I realized why. It has what we need. There's another finished room that's separated from the rest of the basement by an unfinished part. That room has a door to the outside so even though it has nice floors and finished walls, it will belong to my husband along with all of the unfinished space. He'll finally have room for his tools to all live in one space. It's a lot of room but it will be full by the time we move in all the tools he's acquired. I hope it's enough because it's all he's getting. Of course, it's twice the space he has here and it won't force him to park in the driveway so that his tools have a place. Even better, it's under the kitchen/dining area not the bedrooms. He likes to work on projects at night after the girls go to sleep but he's not really able to do that here because the crowded garage at this house is directly under their bedrooms and he makes too much noise.
Even as I write this post, I feel like crying. We've waited so long for something to work out. My husband started working in Dalton almost three years ago. For three years, we've driven 90 miles a day. Our family has aged. Our girls have started having things to do like dance class and swimming lessons. We had another baby in that time. With each passing year, it became harder and harder. I've never admitted it out loud, but I've felt like there were times I was about to break but I couldn't because what good would it do? Even now, I know this move won't make everything perfect. The girls will still fuss with each other. A will still be hard to wake up in the morning even if she gets to sleep an extra 45 minutes. Money will be a bigger issue than it's ever been. We'll have new challenges and problems to face, but, in my heart, I know this is the right decision and I have faith that it will work out. And the cherry on top? I realized this morning that I get a craft room. That was always a room in the dream house I've been building in my head. This isn't my dream house. It doesn't have a library. However, when I look at this house, I know that we can make it our home. I know that we can be happy and raise our children there. When I look at it, I see the possibilities it holds. I see hopes and dreams waiting to be hoped and dreamed. I see my family's future.
(I'm crying for real now.) To all my former students that I love who are reading this: I'll invite you over when it's ready. I'd love to be able to finally share my life with you when we share a hometown. I'll make dessert :) It will involve chocolate.
I'm giving up a few things that I love having at this house like a mantle (where will I put our Christmas stockings!?!) and a separate dining room, but I'm trading it for enough space for my family to live, places to put all our things, and a drive to work that's 10 minutes instead of 50. I'm also getting a craft room. The basement has several finished rooms that could be bedrooms but we'd rather everyone sleep together upstairs so we'll sleep in three bedrooms just like we do here and use the extra rooms downstairs for things we've only dreamed about here. There's a large room that will be the "family" room but mostly, it will be the play room. There's a separate room with a closet that will be the office to hide the messy filing cabinet/bookcase, desk, computer and laundry hanger, I mean treadmill. In the bedroom off the hall, I'll have my craft room. I'd never really thought about the fact that I could have a separate room all my own until my husband offered this morning to build shelves in the closet for all my supplies. That's when it hit me. This house will be ours. I've been hoping in my heart for almost a month but I was too afraid to actually plan what each room might be. This is the fourth house that we thought might be right but it's the first one that's truly felt right.
As my husband and I lay in bed talking this morning, I realized why. It has what we need. There's another finished room that's separated from the rest of the basement by an unfinished part. That room has a door to the outside so even though it has nice floors and finished walls, it will belong to my husband along with all of the unfinished space. He'll finally have room for his tools to all live in one space. It's a lot of room but it will be full by the time we move in all the tools he's acquired. I hope it's enough because it's all he's getting. Of course, it's twice the space he has here and it won't force him to park in the driveway so that his tools have a place. Even better, it's under the kitchen/dining area not the bedrooms. He likes to work on projects at night after the girls go to sleep but he's not really able to do that here because the crowded garage at this house is directly under their bedrooms and he makes too much noise.
Even as I write this post, I feel like crying. We've waited so long for something to work out. My husband started working in Dalton almost three years ago. For three years, we've driven 90 miles a day. Our family has aged. Our girls have started having things to do like dance class and swimming lessons. We had another baby in that time. With each passing year, it became harder and harder. I've never admitted it out loud, but I've felt like there were times I was about to break but I couldn't because what good would it do? Even now, I know this move won't make everything perfect. The girls will still fuss with each other. A will still be hard to wake up in the morning even if she gets to sleep an extra 45 minutes. Money will be a bigger issue than it's ever been. We'll have new challenges and problems to face, but, in my heart, I know this is the right decision and I have faith that it will work out. And the cherry on top? I realized this morning that I get a craft room. That was always a room in the dream house I've been building in my head. This isn't my dream house. It doesn't have a library. However, when I look at this house, I know that we can make it our home. I know that we can be happy and raise our children there. When I look at it, I see the possibilities it holds. I see hopes and dreams waiting to be hoped and dreamed. I see my family's future.
(I'm crying for real now.) To all my former students that I love who are reading this: I'll invite you over when it's ready. I'd love to be able to finally share my life with you when we share a hometown. I'll make dessert :) It will involve chocolate.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Reflections on Letting Go
I've had to let go a lot lately.
On August 10th, I had to let go of my baby and let her grow up to be a kindergartner. In a blink, she went from being my tiny little girl to a beautiful little lady. Her new backpack made it even worse. It's a junior backpack so it fits her just right. She looks so big with it on. If it hung down and knocked against her legs as she walked, I could pretend in my mind that she was too young to be in school but it doesn't and I can't so I had to let go. I love you sweet girl.
I had to let go of my hold on what I think my classroom should be. It's too much this year. There are too many students and not enough time. I'm having to go through lists and mark who I think shouldn't be in there. Do you know how hard that is for me? They're mine. Many of you have been with me. You understand. When you come in my room, you're mine. Giving up students feels like betrayal. I felt so depressed today that it was all I could do to keep going. Thank goodness for chocolate. I wanted to keep them all but I couldn't so I'm letting go but I miss them already.
Fourteen years ago this month, I started college. I remember moving my things into my room. I remember meeting my roommates for the first time. I remember feeling so lost and alone. I was letting go of who I had been and starting on the journey to become who I am. I sometimes wish that I'd enjoyed that journey more. I wish that I hadn't held on so tightly to the past. I wish I'd embraced the change that was swirling around me. I wish I'd enjoyed the ride just a little bit more. I wish that my loved ones had been happier for me, but I remember the feeling of knowing how proud they were of me. I'm proud of you, Jeffrey but I'll miss you. You're the son I might never have. Enjoy the ride you've just started but don't feel guilty if the past begins to slip away. It will happen to a greater or lesser degree. Embrace your new life. Don't regret the things beyond your control. Just let go.
Time passes. Things change. Life moves on. I need to let go. Resistance only makes it hurt more and I hurt enough as it is.
On August 10th, I had to let go of my baby and let her grow up to be a kindergartner. In a blink, she went from being my tiny little girl to a beautiful little lady. Her new backpack made it even worse. It's a junior backpack so it fits her just right. She looks so big with it on. If it hung down and knocked against her legs as she walked, I could pretend in my mind that she was too young to be in school but it doesn't and I can't so I had to let go. I love you sweet girl.
I had to let go of my hold on what I think my classroom should be. It's too much this year. There are too many students and not enough time. I'm having to go through lists and mark who I think shouldn't be in there. Do you know how hard that is for me? They're mine. Many of you have been with me. You understand. When you come in my room, you're mine. Giving up students feels like betrayal. I felt so depressed today that it was all I could do to keep going. Thank goodness for chocolate. I wanted to keep them all but I couldn't so I'm letting go but I miss them already.
Fourteen years ago this month, I started college. I remember moving my things into my room. I remember meeting my roommates for the first time. I remember feeling so lost and alone. I was letting go of who I had been and starting on the journey to become who I am. I sometimes wish that I'd enjoyed that journey more. I wish that I hadn't held on so tightly to the past. I wish I'd embraced the change that was swirling around me. I wish I'd enjoyed the ride just a little bit more. I wish that my loved ones had been happier for me, but I remember the feeling of knowing how proud they were of me. I'm proud of you, Jeffrey but I'll miss you. You're the son I might never have. Enjoy the ride you've just started but don't feel guilty if the past begins to slip away. It will happen to a greater or lesser degree. Embrace your new life. Don't regret the things beyond your control. Just let go.
Time passes. Things change. Life moves on. I need to let go. Resistance only makes it hurt more and I hurt enough as it is.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Little Strawberry
The look on her face seems to say, "Why did you do this to me?"
Does it help to know that she put the hat on herself?
Does it help to know that she put the hat on herself?
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
An Ode to Summer
An Ode to Summer
written by Mme Hester (as she contemplates the coming year)
Summer,
Why hast thou forsaken me?
Is it because I do not worship the sun
And the (not so) great outdoors?
Is it because I spent your season crocheting the doily that would never end?
Is it because you know that you are not my favorite season?
It is not my fault that July makes me want to cry with its’ hot weather
And that the very thought of going outside
Makes me feel despair deep down in my heart.
It is not my fault that you are filled with endless, unfinished lists
Of things I will never do.
I looked upon you with such hope
When June was but a young child.
Where has your promise of hope gone?
Where have you hidden away your joys?
I feel the creeping gray inching its’ way into my soul.
The loss of freedom is palpable in the air.
Summer, oh summer!
Why hast thou forsaken me to face the first day of school?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Ice Cream Sundae
Where'd my spoon go?
How am I supposed to eat my ice cream?
Oh, well!
Forget the spoon!
I don't really know how to use it anyway!
Mmm... yummy bite bites.
I love ice cream.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Snapshots from my life
Life is busy right now. Of course, I have three children which has a lot to do with that. There are other reasons too. To let you into my life, I present snapshots of my life right now. Literally. I just took these pictures.
So, that's a bit of my life at this moment, but only the clean, easy to photograph parts. It's really much worse than this shows when you add in the house hunt ordeal, the quickly approaching start of school and a few other sordid pieces that I don't care to share via the Internet. Thank goodness for chocolate to help me through these troublesome times. I've also memorized the Serenity Prayer and find myself saying it quite often throughout the day. Now, off I go to attack the summit of Mt. Washmore and make some hair bows.
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| A sink full of dishes. They seemed to appear out of nowhere. We washed the dishes when we got back from our trip and then, the sink was full the next time I looked. What! |
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| I hate doing laundry. One of the worst things about taking a trip is the pile of dirty laundry when you get home. It's just depressing. |
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| This is M eating her first Little Debbie Fudge Round. It's also a picture of her eating her last Fudge Round for a really long time. There were crumbs everywhere. I have enough to do without adding to the mess with my stupid lunch choices. |
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| Messy children's room exhibit A. |
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| Messy child's room exhibit B. Sadly, these two rooms were both clean two hours ago. They're already worse than these pictures show. My children work fast. |
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| My mother-in-law is having a 60th birthday party next weekend. I'm in charge of chicken, plates, forks, napkins, cups, lemonade, and framing an invitation among a few other little details. This is one of the few tasks I don't actually mind. My mother-in-law is a nice lady and I like to plan parties. |
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| This is an irrelevant picture but doesn't this hot pink Strawberry Shortcake wig just look freaky? |
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| As a present for my mother-in-law, we're having a whole family portrait made. The granddaughters are all wearing coordinating dresses and hair bows made by me and my sister-in-law. I've got a few details to finish up along with the rest of the hair bows and M's top. I should probably get on that with a bit more enthusiasm since the appointment for the portrait is Saturday morning. |
So, that's a bit of my life at this moment, but only the clean, easy to photograph parts. It's really much worse than this shows when you add in the house hunt ordeal, the quickly approaching start of school and a few other sordid pieces that I don't care to share via the Internet. Thank goodness for chocolate to help me through these troublesome times. I've also memorized the Serenity Prayer and find myself saying it quite often throughout the day. Now, off I go to attack the summit of Mt. Washmore and make some hair bows.
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