Ch. 21

We read Ch. 21 in Le Petit Prince the other day. The lessons of the fox always cause me to think about my life. For the first time in a long time, my life feels like it is lacking a bit when I contemplate Ch. 21. I don't think I'm far off the track of my life, but I do think that life has gotten in the way of living lately.

What in the world does that mean though?

1. I haven't contemplated beauty for the sake of beauty in a long time.

2. I haven't had a bubble bath in six months or more.

3. It's May and I haven't bought a Christmas present. My Christmas "To Do" list is incomplete and I have only brainstormed a few presents.

4. I haven't ate chocolate today.

5. I've been making my husband put our children to bed most nights because I'm so tired I feel as if I can't go on. Their bedtime kisses are the sweetest and I'm missing them.

6. Sadness is my companion more days than not.

7. It feels like it hasn't rained in weeks.

8. I've lost track of countless weeks and months. The memories are vague and fleeting. I feel the loss of time keenly.

9. I'm forced to cultivate a thousand roses in my life and it's too many. I haven't tamed a single one in so long.

The other day, someone asked me how I was in passing. I responded that I was doing okay. As I walked away, I felt guilty. Why? Because I realized I lied when I gave her that answer. Life is never perfect but for me or anyone else but with my optimistic outlook, it's usually more good than bad so I can answer, "I'm doing okay" and it's more true than not. The scales have tipped though. The balance is off and I'm not okay anymore.

This has been a hard week, not horrible or bad, but hard, really, really hard. I comes after so many other hard weeks that the truth of the matter is... I'm not doing okay and I don't know when I will be.

On the outside, I seem okay but here in this secret space where no one ever answers, I can honestly say that I'm not...