Life is cruel sometimes, cruel in ways we cannot comprehend. For me, a somewhat private person despite the fact of this blog, disappointment is often amplified not by my silence, but by the fact that no one else notices. So often, we go around our worlds, living our daily lives, and flittering on about our business without realizing how much we’re missing. All around us, people are experiencing every emotion possible from exquisite joy to sad defeat and we. don’t. notice. We’re too self-absorbed, too personally needy to stop and think to ourselves, “What is that person really feeling behind their insincere smile and hollow eyes?” Instead, we see the smile, decide it is enough and move on because we don’t want to be bothered. Let’s be honest too. Most of the time, we do notice that the smile is off, that the eyes are sad and we choose not to do anything about it. Justify it all you want but the truth of the matter is we don’t really care about other people. Our society is such a wreck and we’re all charting our individual courses towards disaster. We don’t have the emotional energy to take on anymore. So, we don’t. We see the (fake) smile, decide it will have to be enough and move on.
The unbearable weight of sadness is a heavy, hard thing. Some people focus on events (the logical ones). Some people wax philosophical (that would be me). Some people don’t analyze anything but continue on because what else can you do? Some people cocoon themselves in a nest of their own making to heal. In all of these “solutions” though, we find ourselves alone, alone with our sadness, even if others are present. In Le Petit Prince, when the little prince is crying uncontrollably about something the pilot cannot comprehend, the pilot writes, “C’est tellement mystérieux, le pays des larmes!” How true that is. Tears, sadness, depression, whatever the form may be, no one truly understands that sense of melancholy. Sometimes, not even the one crying understands the real reasons. That’s why we can’t fix ourselves.
I’ve had a hard winter. Only my natural optimism and my resilience of faith have kept me afloat. Even still, I feel worn out, abused, battered, and alone. Our internal reserves are only so large. There’s only so much happiness we can store up to get us through the tough times. Here at what I hoped was the end of my proverbial winter, life has dealt me a sucker punch straight to the gut at a time when I am the weakest. No one has noticed. I’m better than most at making my smile look genuine. Still, it makes me feel a little forgotten, a bit overlooked, and a whole lot tired. I want to build myself a nest to hide in, but I can’t. Unfortunately, life moves on even when we wish it didn’t. M. turns 2 on Saturday. There’s a party to plan. Dance recitals are soon. Mother’s Day is around the corner where I’m sure to feel a bit awkward and paste on my smile. After that, there’s the inevitable march to final exams and the end of school. Summer should be restful but it won’t be. The planner that I am has already made a calendar and it’s a beast of a thing. I’m not sure when I can recover from my sadness. Still, there’s a bit of optimism left in me. Maybe it will be enough…
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